


Let Me Photograph You In This Light

by instrumentals



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M, New Year's Eve, sort of, the other characters are just mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-05
Updated: 2016-08-05
Packaged: 2018-07-29 13:33:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7686511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/instrumentals/pseuds/instrumentals
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been three years since Harry last saw Niall, and he can't believe that they're both here, at Nick's New Year's party, of all things.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let Me Photograph You In This Light

**Author's Note:**

  * For [outwardbound93](https://archiveofourown.org/users/outwardbound93/gifts), [acastle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/acastle/gifts).



> savanna and hope are so talented and gifted. i love their works and i've always been too afraid to talk to them because they're so great and i feel like i'd be a bother, but yes, this is for them.
> 
> i've had this written up since a few weeks after adele released 25 and i'm only posting it now, whoops.
> 
> title from "when we were young" by adele

_Come to my party_ , Nick said. _It’ll be fun_ , he said. _I promise you won’t be alone_ , he said.

Well, Harry thinks, at least Nick had been right about one thing. The party definitely is a fun one. Just—not for Harry. But then again, Harry and Nick have always had different definitions of what _fun_ was. To Harry, fun was getting together with a small group of friends and just enjoying each other’s company, maybe spending a couple of hours in a local bar or something. To Nick, fun was inviting all of his friends and his friends’ friends to his place, crowding them all into his apartment until you couldn’t even move an inch without brushing against someone.

The problem is, Harry _is_ alone. Nick had spent a grand total of five minutes with him, at the beginning of the party, before he slid away, with “party host duties.” Harry’s managed to talk to a couple of people here and there, but they’ve all had somewhere to be, someone else to talk to. Harry takes another sip of his margarita, glancing around and trying not to be too obvious about the fact that he has no friends.

Another ten minutes pass by before Harry sets his drink down. He heads for the bathroom, not needing to pee but just wanting a couple of minutes to himself. He could go into one of Nick’s bedrooms, but he knows how people are like at parties, and he’d rather not take the chance.

On his way there, Harry hears the sound of a familiar laugh and he slows. Pauses. He’s about to shake it off as a figment of his imagination when the laugh rings out again. This time, Harry’s certain his brain wasn’t playing tricks on him. He looks around, surveying the people around him, before his eyes land on the source of the sound, and his heart stops.

Harry recognizes him immediately, even though it’s been almost three years, by Harry’s calculations. Three years is a long time, but then it’s not because Niall still looks the same as he did before. His face has gotten more angled, and his hair’s more of a faded blonde, like he needs to get it redone, but he’s still the Niall that Harry remembers.

Niall’s actually more handsome than he was before, which Harry hadn't thought was possible. But it evidently is. Niall looks so happy and mature and Harry can’t help but think of the word _home_.

Niall hasn't noticed Harry yet, and Harry has a fleeting thought that he won't unless Harry stands right in front of him and that Harry _really_ wants Niall to see him. He takes a step forward in Niall’s direction before he stops and rushes into the vacant bathroom.

Harry sits on the floor with his back against the bathtub for twenty minutes. He doesn't do anything, really, except let his mind overthink things and replay memories of late mornings and messy blankets and breakfast in bed with Sinatra playing at a low hum in the background. He presses his forehead to his knees, takes long and deep breaths, composes himself, before gathering up the strength to get back to the party.

But of course, the fates are really having fun playing with him tonight, because the person he bumps into as he's leaving the bathroom is none other than Niall. Harry’s heart skips in his chest, his breath catching his throat, and he feels like he might faint when Niall talks.

“Sorry about that, didn't—” Niall is staring at Harry in shock, eyes wide and they're as blue as Harry remembered, as piercing as a knife and yet warm as a fire. “Harry,” he says softly, like he's in awe of the sight in front of him.

“I–um–” Harry stammers, and turns to run away.

“Wait.” Niall's quick fingers lock around his wrist gently. It burns. Niall’s fingertips are burning Harry’s skin and it feels so good but so _weird_ and yet, still so familiar.

Harry reluctantly turns back to face Niall, who doesn't let go of his wrist. It's like he's not even aware that he's really holding onto Harry, like even after all these years, they've fallen back into their usual pattern, where Niall’s always got a part of himself in contact with a part of Harry, because that’s just the way they are. A unit, a couple, never one without the other. The way they were.

“Hi,” Harry says quietly, when the silence becomes too much for him to bear. The party’s still going on around them, the music still shaking the house and people still brushing against Harry or Niall when they pass, but really, it's like Harry can only see Niall. Just like it used to be.

“I...Hey,” Niall breathes out, a small smile appearing on his face. It's the one thing about Niall that hasn't changed at all, not even a tiny bit.

Niall stands there taking in Harry, and Harry does the same with Niall, for a couple long moments before Niall seems to realize what's going on and quickly lets go of Harry’s wrist. Harry’s hand falls back to his side and he can still feel Niall’s skin on his.

“I have to use the bathroom but, do you want to talk? Catch up, maybe?”

Harry wants to say no, wants to leave and go home and pull out the plate of cookies he had baked earlier and watch pointless TV in bed. But Niall is looking at Harry with a curious expression, like he genuinely wants to know what's been going on with Harry since they broke up, and Harry can't find it within himself to deny Niall’s company, even if that's what would be smart.

“Okay,” he agrees and Niall’s eyes light up briefly before he heads into the bathroom.

Harry sits down on the floor again, right next to the bathroom door, and lets out a long breath. His mind is racing with the possibilities of things that could happen, of the things they could talk about, just everything. He gets more panicked by the second, and is about to stand up and get the hell out of there when he hears the toilet flush, water running, and then the door opens to reveal Niall again.

Niall doesn’t seem the least bit fazed at Harry’s position on the ground. He offers a hand for Harry, which Harry stares at. When Harry doesn’t make a move to grab his hand, Niall looks unsure and slowly retracts his hand. A flush makes its way to his pale cheeks as he stuffs his hands in his pockets. Harry clears his head, realizing that he needs to get off the floor because Niall’s _right there_ and he wants to talk to Harry and Harry wants to talk to him too. Even after all these years, Niall’s the one Harry wants to talk his way into the New Year with.

***

When Harry has finally gotten off the floor, he suggests going up to Nick’s rooftop, because there’s no other place where they could get privacy, really. Niall agrees to go immediately.

Harry starts to lead the way, knowing Niall’s following him, but when they go through a particularly crowded area, Niall’s fingers suddenly wrap around Harry’s bicep, an attempt to not lose Harry in the mob of guests. Harry feels his heart stutter, briefly noting that Niall’s fingers feel cold against his bare skin, before thinking that he wants to get to the rooftop even faster now and starts to walk toward the hidden stairway with a determined pace.

A light wind is blowing when they reach the rooftop, but there’s space heaters by the arrangement of couches Nick has, because _of course_ he’s got all the luxuries in his swanky LA home. Thankfully, there’s no one up on the roof but them, and Harry leads Niall to one of the couches, looking over the bustling, brightly lit city. In the distance, Harry can see the Hollywood Sign and thinks of his hike there a couple of weeks ago.

He looks down at his arm, where Niall’s still holding onto him. Ever so slightly, he jerks away, without thinking. Niall quickly releases his grasp, cheeks flushing a bright red. 

“Sorry,” Niall says, noticing Harry’s hasty actions.

Harry shakes his head, but doesn’t say anything. They stare out at Los Angeles in silence. Harry realizes that Louis is going to go _insane_ once Harry tells him about seeing Niall again. Louis will press Harry for every single detail, he knows.

“I haven’t seen you in three years,” Niall finally says, his voice quiet, as if afraid to disturb the peaceful air between them.

“And whose fault is that?” It’s not Niall who breaks the peace. It’s Harry. He’s made the smallest crack in the glass. It’s only a matter of time before it shatters completely. 

“Harry,” Niall sighs, not rising up to the bait Harry couldn’t help but throw out, “maybe we shouldn’t talk about that tonight?” 

“If not now, then when?” Harry asks sharply. He sees Niall wince slightly in the corner of his vision, but he can’t stop himself. “I haven’t seen you in three years, Niall. The only reason I’m with you tonight is because some sick twist of fate put us both here.” 

Niall sucks in a sharp breath beside him, and Harry knows he should stop talking like this, because it’s true; when will they get another night to see each other? Who actually gets a second chance to talk things out and smooth things over years later, except for the lucky ones? 

But Harry’s never considered himself lucky—not in love, at least. Niall was there and Niall was the closest thing he ever got to a true love, but even that ended, so really, Harry’s got no luck.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers out, leaning forward to rest his head in his hands. The truth is, he doesn’t have a right to be mad at Niall, because it was his fault too. The fallout wasn’t one-sided; Harry played as big of a part in their destruction as Niall did. Maybe even bigger. 

Niall scoots closer and, after a moment’s hesitation, rests a hand on Harry’s wrist, rubbing small, soothing circles that make Harry want to curl himself around Niall. He wants to feel Niall’s body against his again, see if they still fit after all these years, see if Niall’s body falls into Harry’s as well as he remembers, where they couldn’t tell one body part from another.

“I…” Niall starts before stopping. Harry can almost hear the gears whirring around in Niall’s head, because Niall was always one to think about what he had to say. He always wanted to make sure his words meant something, whereas Harry often said the first thing that came to his mind.

“I tried to move on. With other people.”

It's Harry’s turn to tense. He wishes he didn't. Because of course Niall was with other people. They broke up three years ago. It wasn't like Harry expected him to sit around and mope the entire time.

“It never…” Niall trails off slowly, pausing his gentle caress on Harry’s skin. “It wasn't the same.” Harry hears the silent _They weren't you. I didn't want them._ The words are familiar. They’re the same words Harry had in his mind whenever he tried to move on himself. With Lucy. With Kendall. With Jaden. _They’re not him. No one will ever be him._

Harry braces himself for the inevitable, because it’s sure to come. That’s just how Harry’s life works. “But then I met Bridget.” Harry’s heart clenches, because there it is. Even though Harry had been expecting something to that effect, it still manages to catch him by surprise, a painful lurch in his chest. “She was great. Everything I could have ever wanted. Smart, beautiful, funny. I loved her.

“I broke up with her after two years. She started talking about marriage, and a family, and I just...I couldn’t do it. I wanted her to be the one for me, but she wasn’t. She never could have been, because there was you.” 

Hearing this, Harry’s hands clench where they’re rested on his knees. The rest of his body is still, a weak attempt at seeming calm. 

“Every time I met someone new, and tried to go on dates, you were always there. In the back of my mind. I would always compare them to you, thinking that they weren’t as smart or as genuine. I hated it.”

Harry shakes his head almost imperceptibly. He doesn’t want Niall to keep talking, doesn’t want to get his hopes up only for them to be shattered with a few words. Niall’s got Harry in the palm of his hand. He’s always had Harry there, and Harry thinks that no matter what happens, a part of Harry will always belong to Niall. 

Niall barrels right on, though, the words falling out of his mouth without hesitation, almost like they’re tumbling over each other. Like he needs to get everything out before the night is over and they never see each other again.

“When I was with Bridget, I thought that was it. She made me happy and when I was around her, I stopped thinking about you. She was the first person that I didn’t compare to you. I thought I could have married her, built a life with her, but the instant she brought up marriage, you came back into my head. I couldn’t help myself.”

“Stop,” Harry says quietly. His breathing is shaky and he can feel a lump building in his throat and he hates that after three years, _three goddamn years_ , Niall still has such a strong hold over him.

“I still love you.” And that’s it. Niall’s taken Harry’s heart, the one that used to be made of glass, made of steel after Niall, and crushed it like it was the easiest thing he’s ever done.

Harry sniffles. His toes are over the edge of the cliff now, and he could either take the jump or take a step back into safety. “You don’t.” He runs away from the cliff. “You can’t love me.”

“Of course I can. I do,” Niall says, and Harry shakes his head. 

The thing is, Harry’s been dreaming of their reunion for a long time now. He played out multiple scenarios, each of them ending with him and Niall back together and things being perfect. But Harry’s been mostly alone for the past three years, and it’s taught him something that he wouldn’t change for anything. 

Niall can’t love him, not the way he used to. Harry’s not the same person he was three years ago, naive and in love and willing to go to the ends of the earth for a boy who he thought was his entire world. Niall’s not the same either. They’ve grown up and matured and Harry’s life is not a fairytale.

Harry had thought that his life without Niall wasn’t entirely worth living. He had thought he didn’t have anything to live for. Niall being gone meant his world being gone, and without a world to support you, you’re left in space, moving around with no purpose and nothing to hold onto.

The three years away from Niall have taught Harry to be independent. He moped and he held onto his and Niall’s relationship and that’s not something he’s going to deny. But at the same time, without even realizing it, Harry learned to live without Niall. He learned to alter his routine and fill the void in his life. The realization lifts a burden off of Harry’s chest, a burden he thought would always be there, as long as Niall wasn’t in his life.

It’s only taken seeing Niall now for him to fully realize it.

Now, Harry wipes his eyes. It’s his turn to speak, and he knows that Niall’s going to listen to every word he says, because that’s what Niall does.

“I wanted to hate you,” he says. He misses the way Niall flinches beside him, focusing on his clasped hands. “I wanted to hate you so much. For hurting me, for loving me one day and leaving me the next. But I couldn’t do it. I hated myself, because it was me who drove you away. You tried to fix things but I wouldn’t let you. I always believed that you would leave one day, and I ended up pushing you there.

 “I tried to move on, too. I couldn’t bring myself to call you, and you never tried to call me either, so I just gave up. On you, on us. I fooled around, and hooked up with strangers, and with friends. They were never enough for me. I tried so hard for them to be enough, too, but nothing would work.

“The thing is, Niall, they weren’t you. And at that time, I didn’t want anyone who wasn’t you. I thought that I needed you to live.

“But now, I realize, I don’t need you to make me happy either. I want you, but I don’t need you. I wanted you then, and I still want you now, but having you is a choice I make.”

He looks at Niall, taking him in. “I don’t....I’m not entirely sure I understand." 

“We were happy. Then we weren’t. We broke up and things were bad between us. We never learned how to fix things.”

When Harry first saw Niall, nearly a couple of hours ago, he remembered sunlight streaming through the window and late night movie marathons and soft kisses before work. But now he lets himself remember the slamming of doors and cold rooms and a bed where he sleeps alone because it’s easier to not fall into Niall’s gravity that way. It’s easier to keep Niall from becoming his entire world again.

“I just...I don’t think I could go through that again,” Harry finally pushes the words out and it hurts him so much to say them, hurts him to see the look on Niall’s face, but he had to.

Harry’s not a believer in higher beings and things like fate, but he’s willing to allow himself a little exception. If there is such a thing as fate, and the cards are good for Harry, he’ll see Niall again. If they really were meant to work out, they will.

Niall’s still next to him. He doesn’t say a word and neither does Harry. From the streets, they can hear people start counting down, but Harry doesn’t move. There’s already fireworks lighting up the sky. The colors fall upon Niall’s face and Harry thinks he’s as handsome as ever, even after all these years. He’s aged well.

No matter what happens, Harry wants to remember him like this. Soft, beautiful. Just Niall.

 _Ten._ Harry loved Niall. Niall loved Harry.

 _Nine. Eight. Seven._ Things were perfect. They planned a life together.

 _Six. Five_. Things fell apart. Harry lost his other half. 

 _Four._ Harry was without Niall, and maybe he never really needed Niall as the other half of himself.

 _Three. Two._ Niall was a gift in Harry’s life. Is a gift, if the fates will let him have it.

 _One_. Harry is no longer Niall’s. Not like that.

***

They walk back downstairs in silence. The party is still raging on around them, but they’re silent as they walk to Niall’s car. Niall fiddles with his keys in his pocket as they stand facing each other. Harry really should leave, get back to the party and find Nick, properly ring in the new year and all that. 

“It was nice seeing you again.” Niall looks everywhere but at Harry.

 “Yeah.”

“I should probably get going.” Harry nods and takes a step back. Niall turns around to open his car door, but then he stops. Turns back around to face Harry, moves forward, and kisses him. It’s short, and there’s a moment where Harry’s unresponsive, shocked, but kissing Niall is like breathing. He falls into it naturally and without thought.

His hands come up to rest on Niall’s hips, the action familiar and not at all overwhelming. Niall’s hands run through his hair before they settle at the base of his neck, holding him there, steadying him. Harry loses himself in the taste of Niall, laced with champagne and mint gum. It’s so familiar and yet, a thrill runs down Harry’s spine, because it’s been so long.

They come up from the kiss slowly, like waking up and being pulled from dream world, that brief suspended moment where your mind is stuck in that halfway area between sleep and awake.

“I’m sorry,” Niall says, pulling away. “But I couldn’t see you tonight and not do that. I would hate myself forever if I didn’t.”

Harry’s hands fall to his side and he watches, still reeling, as Niall gets in his car. The engine roars to life and Harry knows he has to move before Niall’s gone and fate ruins everything. He’s lost a lot by being too afraid to do anything before. He’s determined to not make the same mistakes again.

Harry takes fate into his own hands.

He surges forward and taps on Niall’s window before Niall can drive off, waiting for it to roll down. They haven’t seen each other in three years. Harry’s not the same person he was and neither is Niall. Harry no longer loves Niall the way he used to.

But maybe, in some ways, things are meant to happen. Harry doesn’t want to get hurt again, but he also doesn’t want to miss out on what could possibly be his _big hit of love_ in his life. As much as Harry’s unwilling to admit it, he and Niall both became friends with Nick after they broke up for a reason. And this is it.

“We should meet up. I’d like to see you again,” Harry says and the smile that appears on Niall’s face is enough for him to fall a bit in love with Niall again.

“I’d like that, too,” Niall says softly, reaching out to touch Harry’s face gently. “I’ll call you, okay?”

Harry nods and Niall rolls up his window. Stepping back to avoid getting his feet run over, Harry watches as Niall drives away. He can imagine himself in a fairytale, modern day version, but unlike in the fairytales and the movies, watching the car drive away doesn’t make him think of an ending. It makes him think of a new beginning. Their new beginning.

 

**Author's Note:**

> i'm considering making this into a full-on fic, but nothing's certain, and i find it hard to finish them, unfortunately. either way, i hope you enjoyed reading.
> 
> message me on [tumblr](http://homeforhearts.tumblr.com)


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